clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
