So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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