I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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