So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
