i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
