4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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