Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
