My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The uberlube is also flammable
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
