I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
