That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
third nipple confirmed
3 2 1 whiskey
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
