Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
