You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
