I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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