Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
