found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
