My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
