he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
