allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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