You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need a burrito and a hug.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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