i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
