His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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