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Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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