I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
