I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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