I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
