to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club š
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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