Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
