Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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