I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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