the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
