my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
