he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize