Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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