My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
