Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
