Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
