i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
