he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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