is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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