I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
