we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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