I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
