i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
