My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
