I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am mentally ready for anal.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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