her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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