I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
