theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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