Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
