Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
