Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
