at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
