my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Acid is not a monday night drug
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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