I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
