Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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