come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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