Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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