I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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